Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Fork, Spoon, Spork

I recently read a blog post that got me thinking about identity--how it changes, sometimes immutably.   We go into marriage half expecting that our individual selves will remain intact.  We expect to blend our life with another with salad metaphors in mind, keeping all the unique parts of our personality fresh and unchanged.

But it is alchemy. Mysterious and transcendant, inexplicable alchemy.  The dross most certainly does rise.  But even in that painful process, something else happens, too.  Your life becomes so completely engaged with someone else's: their pain and joy is your own.  Some freedom goes away, some responsibilities get added, but so do new pleasures, and some burdens are lightened.
Sara Groves says it beautifully with, "Life with you is half as hard and twice as good."

I am eternally changed for having married Bill.  If we were a fork and spoon before, we've each changed into something else--a spork, perhaps, or maybe even a pair of chopsticks.  There's no going back to our old roles and routines.  We have formed something new here, and even if it all fell apart, I would never fit back into the same single-girl-spoon slot I originally comfortably occupied.

We do not blend like salads, easily extracted from each other.  Alchemists sought it in metallurgy, but it happens with us: our base selves are transformed into something improbable and beautiful: one solid team, a golden pair.


I have all the more compassion for anyone who has found themselves not just missing a person in their life, but finds their very soul severed from a loss of such magnitude.  Reinvention is no small task.   

6 comments:

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    1. Again? Like you've read me more than once?! I'm so pleased. You know I really value your opinion--always have, so why stop now? I do so love you--wish there wasn't a mountain range and a many states between us!

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  2. Can I use this in our future pre-marital sessions? Love the spork analogy and how expectations of what marriage is going to be like are altered and refined along the path... Kristi Caulley

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    1. I'm so honored to think you will. Do you ever look at those of us you've counseled and think, "Awww, they're at THAT stage?" Missing you.

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  3. Beautifully written and so true. Great thoughts as we celebrate 13 years together next week! We have changed so much, but have such beautiful unity together. We shine much more as individuals now too because of how we support and learn from each other, I wouldn't trade that for anything. Definitely not my old life! - Kristine

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    1. And then I randomly run into you today?! After you were probably reading this on a random whim (seeing as you have fewer get-up-and-go options lately) Really nice to see you. Your daughter is such a sweetie. Thanks for letting her spark an ocean interest in my little guy!

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