Occasionally I come home and I'm like a penned-up cat--taking irrational swipes at whoever draws near, even those who care. I feel hissy and wary and primed to throw a fit.
It doesn't take more than 24 hours and a couple of replays in my mind before I feel completely foolish and contrite. Who is that snarly woman and can somebody just do us all a favor and not let her come home here anymore?!
A couple of nights ago it was about a tree.
I stepped out the front door and found a tree growing in the middle of the front yard.
Instead of a dozen lovely and grateful things I could have said, I chose,
"Did you know they were going to plant a tree in our yard?"
Bill (blithely not noticing an edginess in my voice) apologized that he was going to tell me about the HOA's decision to do so, but he had forgotten.
I just plow on: "What kind is it?"
"Oh, I really can't remember. They got an amazing deal on them, though, because the landscaper ordered the wrong kind for another client. I kind of fought for our yard to be one that got a tree. Cool, huh?"
And then, with a slow and steely precision you think would be reserved for prosecutors accusing very evil people, I ask,
"What kind of person let's a tree be planted in his yard and doesn't even know what kind it is?"
The conversation only devolved from there. I'll spare you the details.
Less than an hour later I was crying for being such a brat, and then apologizing for crying like such a baby and then reduced to, "I'm really sorry; can I just have a hug?"
I find it startling how totally immature I can be. I find it embarrassing that anyone has to see me in such states of unrestrained pettiness.
Really? About an unidentified tree?
Bill volunteered his time on that HOA board, and instead of being grateful for his efforts when we benefit from one of the ensuing perks, I just get all weird and start making speeches about dogs wanting to pee near the base of the tree. (oh! right-- I was going to spare the details)
Maybe someday I'll only argue about things I really care about. Maybe someday I'll always be wise enough to declaw and decompress before I start taking random swipes at the first person or issue that crosses me.
In the meantime, can I just say how grateful I am to have a friend who will still give me a hug at the end of the day, write me a love note of encouragement to find in the morning, and tell me by every means possible--we can get through this--and you're still my Jode?
I'm really more grateful than I can say.